im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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