The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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