dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
