She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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