running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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