Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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