Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
