Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
