I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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