Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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