you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
