Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
