I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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