we have pet lesbian snakes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am one with the molecules
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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