He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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