smell my finger.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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