Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
