just come out here and I will go home with you...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
