Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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