I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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