I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
