weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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