I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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