An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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