I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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