the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
