i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
