It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
