I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
