I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
