they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize