Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
