FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
