I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
