I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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