just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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