Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
