i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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