Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
