i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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