it's like iHOP with fire
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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