Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
