The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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