My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
