Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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