I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
