how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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