wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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