I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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