I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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