Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
