You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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