if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
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Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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