I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
