I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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