Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
