i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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