He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
