Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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