dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
